The In-Laws
Then she fell on her face, bowing to the ground and said to him, “Why have I found favor in your sight that you should take notice of me, since I am a foreigner?” Boaz replied to her, “All that you have done for your mother-in-law after the death of your husband has been fully reported to me, and how you left your father and your mother and the land of your birth, and came to a people that you did not previously know. May the Lord reward your work, and your wages be full from the Lord, the God of Israel, under whose wings you have come to seek refuge.”
Ruth 2:10-12 (NASB)
Introduction
Our marriage seals the birth of a new family unit but we remain very much connected to both families that have brought us to the start of our journey together. The opening scripture comes from the book of Ruth which is a love story expressing the deep commitment of a daughter-in-law. Ruth’s husband has died, but Ruth shows an incredible commitment and passionate desire to see to the well-being and future prosperity of her mother-in-law who has been left without a husband and without her sons. We use this scripture because it is a great example of a relationship with in-laws that is both positive and honourable; seeing the best in them and respecting them for the part they have played in bringing you a spouse you can love deeply.
The importance of getting this right
If a couple wants to experience real growth in their relationship, it helps if their progress and intimacy is surrounded by a state of peace and harmony. This needs all of us to be in a good place regarding family relationships. With marriage, there will be plenty of adjustments that need to be made as families come together. As a couple, you may have little direct control over how others make adjustments, nonetheless, you need to be seekers of peace and builders of good relationship.
Why this can be challenging for everyone
Relationship building takes time. Your spouse’s parents and siblings have to be persuaded that you are the real deal, and they may still not be fully persuaded for some time into your marriage. The key is how you respond to this. You should be actively working at developing a warmer relationship. Your spouse needs to see you doing this and not getting upset over the challenge.
The worldly view of in-law relationships is somewhat biased because it is often characterised by an exaggeration of the natural tendency parents have in being protective of their child, and wary about the stranger who has won his or her love. The view suggests a scenario in which in-laws are in fact ‘outlaws’. This image of conflict and in-fighting should be roundly dismissed by all those who want a successful marriage. Families do sometimes take time to adjust, but it’s important to refuse worldly stereotypes. Acknowledge that in-law acceptance may not come immediately and work on it as a natural and expected process.
The best way of building a relationship that satisfies your in-laws is to demonstrate by your actions sacrificial love for their son or daughter. A husband for example may think he can charm his wife’s parents with sweet words, or buy season tickets for her brothers, but it’s when they see your genuine love for your wife and the prosperity it brings her that acceptance is unlocked. In the real world, for the vast majority, this is the persuasion they need. Witnessing your growing unity and the prosperity of your relationship over time also gives in-laws the opportunity to adjust to a different role they must now have with their son or daughter. Always acknowledge the importance of parents and siblings in your relationship. They are not simply something on the side that has to be tolerated. They are people you share a heritage with. They are vital components of your new family unit as they become grandparents, uncles and aunts to your children. They can be a tower of strength in time of need. The growth of the number of supportive relationships also gives you a sense of the importance of family through generations. The prize for your success in building a good relationship with your in-laws is support, harmony and the opportunity to focus on growing together as a couple.
Work as a team
Sometimes, relationships do not develop so easily and unity in the family takes a little longer to develop. There could be many reasons for this, including things simply beyond your control to influence. What is always important is that you play your role with honour and seek the help of the Lord where transformation is needed to secure harmony.
When it comes to our extended families, working together as a couple is so important. First and foremost is your acknowledgment that you need to talk as a couple, and agree together concerning family and how to approach them and meet their requests. Teamwork is the primary key. Never forget that your spouse is number one. You must approach all other relationships as a united team. This will ensure that you never make the mistake of taking sides in any matter concerning family. For you as a couple there are no ‘sides’. You are together on the same team and you must have the same vision. Yes, you respect, honour and do everything possible to build great relationships with both families, but never ever at the expense of your spouse.
Do agree on family requests for your time, your help with tasks and so forth. Here are a few simple examples: An ‘expectation’ that you will come for lunch every Sunday, or, it might be an expectation that the grandchildren will visit whenever they get an invite and an invite arrives almost every weekend. Bonding with your brothers, or brothers-in-law at the football ground is good, but an expectation builds that would separate you from your spouse every weekend. Agree together how to respond to these situations. If requests for financial help arrive, avoid making such decisions alone, even if you believe your spouse would respond positively. It’s the teamwork that helps build your own identity as a couple. Aim to satisfy everyone where that is practical and possible, but in recognition that it’s usually not possible to please everyone all of the time, your parents and in-laws must know they are loved, but left in no doubt that your spouse must come first. Telling your mother that you can’t come for lunch this weekend is hard but sometimes it’s necessary. Your mother may even get upset, but apply wisdom in your conversations and the adjustments will be made.
Final thoughts
Making good relationships and balancing priorities is tough. Working as a team will help a couple do what is essential to grow their own relationship, and working as one united team will provide a great platform for managing the multitude of relationships that now impact them as a couple.
In this blog we have tried to approach things from the perspective of the married couple and their approach to in-laws and extended family. For those reading who are parents in-law themselves, we urge you to read an earlier blog: Release Them Responsibly. This takes a look at the parent’s role in preparing their children for a covenant relationship and preparing themselves for change. Letting go can be hard - it can also be liberating, knowing we have God who delights in us and is able to transform us. We remain confident that Christ is more than able and available to help all who are unsure how to manage a relationship. We have seen how He can change what appears to be a most impossible situation.
He is also a God able to make a great relationship even more amazing!
Steve and Khanya
Join us for our next blog: To be announced on the blog page.
Please remember to share these blogs with friends by copying the web address, or use the social media icons below to share on your social platform.