Intimacy in Marriage
My darling bride, my private paradise,
fastened to my heart.
A secret spring are you that no one else can have
my bubbling fountain hidden from public view.
What a perfect partner to me now that I have you.Song of Songs 4:12 TPT
Relationship thirsts for true intimacy
It is our intimacy that builds our marriage union toward the goal of oneness. In all its forms, intimacy creates the glue that binds us ever more securely to each other.
Intimacy comes in different ways, and we give and receive it on a multitude of levels. It touches all people everywhere. Wherever relationship exists, there is intimacy; between parents and children, siblings, friends and of course husbands and wives. The type of relationship defines the nature of the intimacy that builds it, but all of us are looking to share ourselves at a level that defines the connection we have with others.
Many close relationships reach a level of intellectual and emotional intimacy that allows not only the sharing of ideas and dreams, but even more personal things that require a hedge of privacy, a place of secrecy. Our immediate family is the most obvious source of emotional intimacy, although there may be close friends who have passed the test of time and trust that we also share 'secrets' with. As long as trust remains intact, intimacy strengthens relationship and brings a sense of wholeness and well-being.
Our spouse is far more than just a close friend, and the nature of this love dives deeper than other relationships. It is all giving. So, with this former stranger who now shares our life journey, we develop intimacy that is more personal and most private. As we journey together, the intimacy grows without restraint, revealing and exposing everything - It is all knowing. Much of our intimacy is secret, reserved for us, intense and secured within us - hidden from public view. This is God’s intent for marital intimacy.
Marital intimacy
If you just glanced at it when you started reading, we encourage you to read again the opening scripture from Song of Songs. How apt that marital relationship is described as a “private paradise” and “a secret spring”. It’s all about knowing, and the knowledge that is reserved for our covenant relationship. Every kind of relationship involves knowledge and closeness, but the depth and nature of it depends on the type of relationship. Marriage frees us for the full breadth of intimacy - intellectual, emotional, spiritual and physical.
Knowing is a good word - it has layers of meaning, and English translations of the Bible often use this word to express not only practical understanding, but also spiritual awareness and sexual intimacy.
Then the eyes of the two of them were opened [that is, their awareness increased], and they knew that they were naked; and they fastened fig leaves together and made themselves coverings.
Genesis 3:7 (AMP)
Now the man Adam knew Eve as his wife, and she conceived and gave birth to Cain, and she said, “I have obtained a man (baby boy, son) with the help of the Lord.”
Genesis 4:1 (AMP)
The fullness of intimacy was reserved by God’s design for covenant relationship. It is God’s gift to covenant relationship because through it we can experience something very special. This knowing in our sexual intimacy releases awareness beyond head knowledge, it releases revelation, a knowledge that overcomes the physical boundary of two separate identities to unite us in one single identity, it’s a spiritual knowing not simply a physical experience. Nonetheless, sexual intimacy is an important opportunity for us to give to our spouse in a way that leads us together down the path to both satisfaction and revelation. God’s word encourages husbands and wives to meet each other’s needs in this:
The husband must fulfill his [marital] duty to his wife [with good will and kindness], and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife does not have [exclusive] authority over her own body, but the husband shares with her; and likewise the husband does not have [exclusive] authority over his body, but the wife shares with him.
1 Corinthians 7:3-4 (AMP)
Sexual intimacy between a husband and wife is an act of love, service and worship. It builds our relationship alongside every other form of our intimacy into a love that goes beyond our ability to express in language. It is something that God intended to be Excellent, Enjoyable and Exclusive, and we encourage you to read Proverbs 5 from verse 15. Covenant marriage adds an element into your relationship that enhances the work of intimacy because in marriage, you have invited God himself, not only as a witness to your marriage contract but as a strong defender of it. If you involve Him in your relationship, He can show you how to use intimacy in a most prosperous way.
The practice of intimacy
We talk a lot about ideals and how things can be, but we also need to address some practical realities. You can be deeply in love with someone but not practice intimacy well. It is not something that we are automatically equipped to do with excellence, we have to learn and take steps to improve. Intimacy is communication and we have to learn how to express it in a manner that meets the needs of our spouse. Whether our intimacy is having a private conversation or making love, there are always lessons to be learned. Intimacy is something that develops. It starts with something we have talked about a lot in previous blogs - promoting the interest of your spouse and diminishing self-interest. If you look to meet each other’s needs in everything you do, you are in a good place to grow and increase the intimacy that bonds your identity as a couple.
Much of successful intimacy involves choosing the appropriate place and the right time, and being genuine in expressing our feelings or responses to each other. When I want to have a private conversation with my spouse, I don’t start the conversation in the street, I wait until we are home where we have privacy and can focus on each other. I don’t have that conversation with the television on, or whilst preparing food. Nor do I have this conversation with my smartphone in my hand - indeed I don’t even want to hear a single ping, because intimacy is about privacy, passion and about expressing to your spouse how important they are. Why would you want to share it with a social media post?
Success in intimacy comes when we learn enough about our spouse to respond to them with knowledge. Everyone is different so, it’s not possible to give the right answer here. If your spouse is upset about something that happened at work what is your appropriate response that will touch and help heal? A hug, a kiss, a thoughtful gift, words of comfort, or a combination of these? The answer is yours to discover. Everyone has lessons to learn through experience, and this often means getting it wrong at first. Just learn the lesson and get better at intimacy.
Much of our learning centres around understanding the differences between men and women and this understanding is important to equip us to present intimacy our spouse can receive, respond to and return. Then, we can both feed on intimacy and grow with it. As we learn quickly enough what constitutes a romantic dinner date for our spouse, so in things like lovemaking we have to learn what pleases our spouse and recognise there are distinct differences between male and female that need consideration. Focus, location, preparation, building expectation, adventure, tenderness and conversation - all these play a significant part in successful lovemaking that builds true intimacy.
Conclusion
Intimacy is an art. It is something that comes to couples as a natural desire, but it is something that needs to be mastered with experience. We have talked about it in many ways in our previous teachings, but here today we have focused on it because it is a gift that becomes the practice of our growth to a new united identity.
For this reason a man will leave his parents and be wedded to his wife. And the husband and wife will be joined as one flesh, and after that they no longer exist as two, but one flesh.
Mark 10: 7-8 (TPT)
Get active in your pursuit of intimacy. Continue always to accept the need to learn and share together, and when you need help ask the Master.
In connection with today’s blog we would recommend reading the following blogs:
An Opportunity for Self-Destruction
Steve and Khanya
Join us for our next blog: The In-Laws
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