An Opportunity for Self Destruction
For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh.
Genesis 2:24 (NASB)
Before we begin we would like to suggest that you read the teaching ‘The Journey Begins’ as a prelude to what follows. Today we are beginning a series of blogs on the marriage journey that highlight the steps, challenges and joys in the journey to becoming one. There are two key steps in the process that lead into the final stage of ‘oneness’ and today we look at the first step -Leaving.
If you believe you have a great relationship and the best marriage possible we invite you to read on because there is always more to learn and experience. If you feel you are too old to think of change, read on because discovery is something God does for all ages. If you are still waiting and hoping for love read on. Whether you are a Christian or not read on because this blog is for everyone. Whatever your situation, if your desire is a relationship that is fulfilling and grows better with age God is able to help you.
The Leaving:
So we begin to address the obvious question - Leaving what? In order to answer this question we need to look at God’s desired outcome which is ‘oneness’. The goal is to have a relationship that is cooperative in every sense, in harmony and agreement physically and spiritually. To achieve such a goal, our ‘single’ lifestyle and the nature of our existing relationships will need adjustment. We have two people who come into a marriage with their own unique identity having self-interest as a focus. In order for oneness to emerge, change in focus and direction are necessary. Some things will even need to die to make way for the ‘US’ identity.
The Family:
Genesis 2:24 talks about leaving parents. We can view this as physically leaving and for some this is still true although in our 21st Century societies people tend to marry later than they used to and most will already have left the parental home. What this really expresses is leaving the authority of your own family. The couple are in effect leaving their own families in a variety of ways: physically, emotionally, financially. They are joining together to create a new primary family group - themselves and perhaps children. Two strangers not connected closely by blood are creating something new. In order to do that, the relationship with blood relatives needs to change, the focus has to shift. You and your spouse need to move forward together.
Water is Thicker than Blood:
We are not talking about leaving your family. Abandonment is not a part of the story. What we are talking about is a change in focus. When you come into a covenant relationship with your spouse, that relationship must have your primary focus and your spouse must have priority. You still need to respect and honour your parents and siblings; indeed, it is essential that parents be honoured, and couples must always relate positively with their family and their in-laws, nonetheless, be ready to support your spouse with every part of yourself. Your spouse must always be number one in terms of commitment, honour and service. In a marriage relationship where vows have been made, water becomes thicker than blood.
The whole story around family, change and a transformation of priorities is tough for some. Parents and even siblings can become protective and demanding. How to deal with sensitive family relationships in the early years of marriage is a topic we will need to address by itself. For the moment, let us say that building a good relationship with both families before the marriage is important. Afterwards be sure to talk to your spouse and be in agreement on how to address any family issues. Above all else, never fail to support your spouse, even if that means having a loving but difficult conversation with a parent.
The Friends:
It is a similar scenario when it comes to friendships - you prioritise your spouse. Getting married and then running off with the boys to your usual weekend activities the moment you get back from your honeymoon is probably not the best start. It is difficult to build your relationship without that new focus. There is nothing wrong with friends, but they are no longer number one. Many of your friends will encourage and motivate you as you build your marriage, some may be a hindrance or even an obstacle. This is something you need to talk through with your spouse. Agree on your approach to friends together. There is nothing wrong with having friends as long as your goal is clear and your intent firmly set on developing the love relationship with your spouse.
Self Destruction:
There are plenty of other things you may need to leave. Some aspects of the single life such as spending habits, and personal preferences may need change or need adjustment. Transitioning from the single life to a married life can be challenging. The bottom line is the need to remove everything that is an obstacle to developing a closer relationship.
Marriage presents you with a perfect opportunity for self destruction and this is a good thing! Whether you are marrying young or old, success will always hinge on your ability to remove SELF. We are not saying that who you are as a unique individual needs to be removed, but it is about destroying any selfishness that prevents you from serving and honouring your spouse’s needs. True and abiding love requires such service. When you were single, self-interest allowed you to do what you wanted, when you wanted and how you wanted. The transformation into covenant relationship demands some sacrifice. It becomes a beautiful thing when both of you have this same attitude of service, it creates a unique atmosphere and allows your relationship to deepen. It is something truly difficult to explain in words - perhaps you have been fortunate enough to see this in another couple.
Our modern world has magnified self-interest enormously. The ‘me, myself and I ’ culture may explain why many marriages fail. A focus on self satisfaction is likely to result in a short term relationship. Marriages that last need people who are prepared to die to self-interest.
Our example is Jesus Christ who sacrificed everything to rescue us and serve our greatest need. When you take your marriage vows, you are on a journey to imitate Him.
As the Apostle Paul says in His letter to the Church in Ephesus:
In the same way the church is devoted to Christ, let the wives be devoted to their husbands in everything. And to the husbands, you are to demonstrate love for your wives with the same tender devotion that Christ demonstrated to us, his bride. For he died for us, sacrificing himself…
Ephesians 5:24-25 (TPT)
And so to Conclude:
Leaving is a difficult stage for most couples. It involves a lot of change. The good news is that if you desire change, do your best to leave and make a path toward the deeper and abiding love you need, and God will help you. Even if it becomes tough at times, there is a wonderful reward for your persistence and determination to grow together.
We have come across people concerned about their spouse’s behaviour, attitudes or habits. They have prayed that God would change their spouse and are desperate, feeling that their marriage may fail because of these issues. God can change things, just bear in mind it is likely to be both of you who need transformation! Sometimes we need to change our prayer.
Leaving makes way for growth. If we don’t leave then it becomes difficult to bond. Abiding love needs this growth in the relationship in order to reach the point where erotic love is superseded by something deeper, something better able to stand the test of time. Our simple advice to couples is keep communicating positively, and if necessary find a couple you both trust who can advise or encourage as you navigate the leaving process. If you are engaged, take a well structured pre-marital preparation course before your marriage. It will help you understand and be prepared for change together.
Our next teaching Blog - A Deeper Love will explore the second part of the journey - Be Joined (Cleaving)
Steve and Khanya