What is the cause of your conflicts and quarrels with each other? Doesn’t the battle begin inside of you as you fight to have your own way and fulfill your own desires?

James 4:1 (TPT)

Today we want to address the topic of conflict resolution in marriage.  In previous blogs on communication we have touched on this, but we are led to present it in its own right.  Conflict destroys marriages. We all need wisdom to address it and stop it in its tracks.

Differences and Self-interest:

Marriages will always contain differences of opinion and preference - we are human, we are different as husbands and wives in our thought processes and approach to life’s tasks.  The differences between us should be complementary, but learning to cooperate is a process that takes time, and often mastered by the lessons of failure.  Mastery over self is also a process that we learn.  Even when we have left self behind and learnt the importance of giving and honouring our spouse above ourselves, self-interest will often try to resurrect itself, and there is no time more likely for this unwelcome visitor than when issues arise and differences surface. In this environment, self tries to dominate again resulting in competition replacing our hard-won cooperation.  This is what James is referring to in the opening scripture - we quarrel as ‘self’ tries to fulfill its own desires.  Marriage is all about unity but years of growing together and building our united identity can be hamstrung quickly by issues that re-ignite selfishness from its sleep to undo the bonds lovingly built.

A way forward:

If we invest more in understanding the differences between the sexes, learn to control selfish desires and become humble, then, when issues arise, we are positioned emotionally to seek resolution without the war of words that will destroy us and our relationship. A couple with experience and with understanding who have built their new identity together can truly escape the trap of conflict. They will have differences and still do things that disappoint each other, but they know that aggression and a competition of wills is a fruitless return to the single identity.  Conflict and the blame game are clear signs of immaturity in a covenant relationship.  When issues arise that are a threat to the bonding process, it’s time to abandon competition and to embrace a joint action against the unwelcome problem that challenges the marriage journey.  Yet even where one spouse is so overwhelmed by the issue that they do not act in cooperation, the other can respond in a way that breaks the aggression in their spouse and leads them away from ‘ME’ and back to ‘US’. Conflict is fuelled by two warring partners intent on selfish victory. If both can agree to tackle the issue together then conflict has no ammunition. Yet, even if one pursues conflict, if the other refuses to respond, conflict cannot grow out of control and self cannot become master.

Differences of opinion and choice vs strongholds that separate: 

There are differences of opinion or personal preference that may be the cause of argument between us. Left to grow and fester, these can magnify themselves and become a source of division that eats away at our affection. Such differences, even small insignificant things such as; where to spend Christmas, or the best colour to paint the bedroom can end up as mountains that stop our journey toward oneness in its tracks. The solution is simple humility and the wisdom to overcome any selfish desire to win the ‘I’m right your wrong’ game as quickly as possible. Do not allow selfish competition to expand its horizons. Couples can be in endless conflict with each other, yet often, they cannot even remember the cause.  The humility to put aside ‘selfish ambition’ is lacking, and the competition of wills has taken on a life of its own - the love journey is dead in its tracks.  We urge you to address simple differences immediately.  Be a peacemaker, kill every selfish urge and let humility pour out. This is how you win and stay on track. This is how to protect your new identity together.

The most challenging issues tend to be those where one spouse has taken an action that hurts the other.  This can be anything that has excluded your spouse or causes emotional harm such as making important decisions independently, persisting in harmful addictions, or infidelity. Here we mention just a few of the more common issues. When we hurt our spouse with our actions, words or behaviours these can become ‘strongholds’ that separate us, not gently, but painfully.  We are two who are coming together as one, bonding together and then torn apart.  Such issues can become walls that divide us and threaten the relationship. It’s important to do two things as quickly as possible; first, whoever has taken a hurtful action must acknowledge the fault and accept responsibility. Second, get together in agreement and separate the issue from the person. Your spouse is not the problem, the ‘addiction’ (the ‘issue’) is the problem.  Such a coming together is the first step in reconciliation. There is confession and repentance, yet alongside this is the acknowledgement that the individual is still loved despite their error. Here is a start to the process of forgiveness.  In this process, a couple is not judging each other but supporting each other through life’s turbulent journey.  Learning to forgive keeps our journey alive and opens the door for a couple to continue moving forward together. Healing is able to take place as a person’s actions demonstrate their love and commitment to change and transformation.

In this post we have tried to keep our advice very practical to address every reader wherever you are in your relationship with your spouse and your relationship with God. Previous blogs have addressed some of the points we have made here and we encourage you to read all the blogs, but in particular:

• The three blogs on communication

• Very different indeed

• An opportunity for self-destruction

Find them all here

Conclusion:

There is a spiritual battle that is taking place in our marriages, and this is the area that we want to address in our next blog. When conflict erupts, there is evidence of the enemy at work attempting to divide us and render our marriage ineffective.  We hope you will join us for this extension of today’s blog.

Some of you reading this blog on conflict resolution will be asking ‘how’ do I control my emotions and responses, how do I start to forgive, what do I do when my spouse does not seek reconciliation? We hope to help you in these questions as we expand to look at the spiritual battleground.  Check the website and the news section for updates, but we hope to publish the follow up blog called Marriage and the Battleground later in June.

Steve and Khanya

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