However, each man among you [without exception] is to love his wife as his very own self [with behavior worthy of respect and esteem, always seeking the best for her with an attitude of lovingkindness], and the wife [must see to it] that she respects and delights in her husband [that she notices him and prefers him and treats him with loving concern, treasuring him, honoring him, and holding him dear]. 

Ephesians 5:33 (AMP)

Today’s teaching looks at change that takes place within marriage and how our response to changing circumstances can impact us.

In a previous teaching, 'An opportunity for self-destruction', we stressed the importance of leaving self and some of the associations of the single life to prosper our new identity as a couple and to re-focus our mindset toward the 'US' identity. In a very practical sense, married life also brings new responsibilities and new things into our lives. Whatever changes takes place, they should ideally promote our bonding together and develop our love journey. Whether we are taking off old things from the single life or taking on new things in our married life, let us never lose site of the key goal before us - we must protect our journey toward the oneness God desires for us.

Today we want to focus on one significant change affecting many married couples - children. You may have children or be planning for them or, you may have come into marriage with children. Some of you are single and hoping for marriage.  Wherever you are today we invite you to read through the example we have for you.  There are basic principles here that can help in your walk through married life and key points of the message may help you approach other areas of change in a positive and pro-active way.

The message we have comes from our experiences with couples who ordinarily might not reveal their struggles as much as their joys.  If you can identify with this message in any way, our prayer is that revelation and wisdom would abound in you.

Children:

For many, the most significant and certainly the change that impacts our relationship most is the arrival of children. The Word of God declares them a blessing to us;

Children are God’s love-gift; they are heaven’s generous reward.

Psalm 127:3 (TPT)

Despite the tiredness, the sleepless nights and the ever-demanding requirements of growing children, we rejoice in them, we protect them and we bond with them in a very special way.  If they were not a source of joy to us then God’s Word would not describe them as a reward.  Children are the evidence of two things: firstly, they demonstrate deeply the love of God as He allows us to partner with Him in the creative process, and secondly, our children become a physical representation of our new joint identity. Everything in us desires to protect and nurture them?  This is fitting and pleasing to God that we do so, and invest ourselves in meeting their needs and preparing them to know Him. Children should have an amazing and positive impact on our journey to oneness, they should bring husbands and wives closer together in their common desire for the fullness of their identity and purpose.

Whilst everything about our children should increase our bond as a couple, at times we make our bond weaken when our focus on the children causes us to neglect each other.  There is a danger here.  Whilst children certainly need attention, devotion and much of our time, if we are not careful, the bond that grows with our children can become a substitute for our own bonding as a couple. If this happens, our growth can stagnate.  Both husband and wife can still be doing positive and loving things for each other, and serving the needs of the growing family, yet perhaps forgetting that even in the busiest and most demanding times of their lives, the love journey still needs to be developed and their oneness still needs to grow.  Please don’t make that mistake.  Love and serve your children as their needs demand, but you have to protect your own journey as a couple together.  Eventually your children will leave to start their own independent life, and you will remain together in your lifelong covenant.

The Empty Nest:

You may have come across the term ‘empty nest’ before.  This term suggests a state of loss as parents feel ‘empty’ living together in the house after children have left home.  For most, this describes a transitional period requiring adjustment, and like most transitions the adjustment is made.  We have met couples who did not transition well and make the adjustment because through years of marriage they had forgotten to serve each other and build their identity together. So intense was the focus on their growing family that when the children left home, they would look at each other with a silent question - “who are we?" Their devotion for their children had resulted in a shift.  They had become a partnership of loving parenthood but they had forgotten to see themselves as lovers.  They still had great affection for each other, but their journey to oneness stopped short. 

The Antidote:

The greatest antidote to stagnation is using the blessing God has given you to promote your growth.  Let the arrival of children be a reward to bless you.  Teach your children what relationship is all about by being a witness to them through your own growth together.  Use yourselves as the tool that teaches them what goodness is, the nature of true devotion, sacrifice and the example of a loving character.  Never suggest to your spouse that your relationship can ‘stay on hold’ whilst meeting the demands of parenthood.  Rather say that from the womb you will demonstrate and show your children what love looks like.  And then of course do so. 

Here are a few practical suggestions:

• Children benefit and their well-being increases as they see their parents hugging, holding hands, kissing, smiling and bonding with loving words and actions.  Even the youngest children get feedback from our non-verbal communication and our tone of voice.  Everything you do together that speaks to your children about the depth of your love will prosper them… and it prospers you of course because you are living out your growing oneness in practice as a witness to them.

• As your children get older, include them in your plans to celebrate your spouse on anniversaries, birthdays and other special days.  Let them participate in the surprises and plans you make.  This increases their bond with you both, but also forms a foundation for you to focus on your spouse and continue growing together.

• When you decide to go on a date and are leaving the children with family or friends for the evening, talk to them about what you are doing and why.  Communicate your excitement to them and when old enough they will share in it and accept that sometimes parents need time out for themselves.

• When you have a young baby who needs constant care, it may not be practical to arrange date nights.  That does not stop husbands (or wives) from doing all kinds of acts of service to express love and appreciation.  Finding special moments and surprising your spouse with an extravagant or unexpected act of kindness in those brief periods when baby is asleep keeps that cleaving process developing.

• When you are able, make plans for times alone to build your love journey.

• Keep praying together. This is your greatest strength.

• Keep talking together about your plans and dreams for yourselves and your family.

When that’s not our reality!

Have you been struggling to maintain your love relationship through the marriage?  Have the demands of life and the changes you have experienced caused you to stagnate in your growth together?  Where two are in agreement everything can change.  If both husband and wife agree that changes need to be made, then God is your help in bringing about transformation that will cause you to prosper:

They will be standing firm like a flourishing tree planted by God’s design, deeply rooted by the brooks of bliss, bearing fruit in every season of their lives. They are never dry, never fainting, ever blessed, ever prosperous.

Psalm 1:3 (TPT)

Great News:

When you invest time wisely in bringing up children together, this will bring you a harvest.  Your investment in your own bonding process in the midst of your growing family not only benefits you, it is also a life-giving investment in the welfare and development of your children.  Work out the balance, and make sure that you take advantage of every good reward that children are to you as the Lord intended.

Steve and Khanya

Thank you for reading.  Join us again soon for our next blog: Release Them Responsibly

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