Confidence and strength flood the hearts of the lovers of God who live in awe of him, and their devotion provides their children with a place of shelter and security.

Proverbs 14:26 (TPT)

Introduction:

As God shows us how to relate so that our marriage grows into oneness and is filled with abundance, He expects that we will prepare our children for the same success. Today, our blog article examines the skills and wisdom parents need to prepare children to transition into independence and into their own covenant relationships equipped for success. We believe there are points in this article that will help not only parents currently raising children, but also parents of adult children. For a parent who is raising children alone, we have included ways in which you can be a great witness of relationship success to your children.

Active Parenting:

The process of helping our children toward positive relationship we call ‘active parenting’ because it is something we need to do consciously and consistently. We should look to impart life lessons to our children to teach them, and then be ready to support them as they embark on their own covenant relationship. We are going to look at two distinct phases:

• The period of learning and instruction whilst our children are growing and in our care.

• The period when our children move into their own covenant relationship.

Preparing Children for Relationship Success:

It’s all about doing and showing our children the reality of successful relationship. It’s something we do throughout a child’s life until we finally release them into the hands of their spouse. We talked a little about this in our last blog - Never Forget Your Love, and in a sense, the first part of this blog is an expansion of the points made there. It’s about witnessing your love journey to them. Children need to see your love for each other play out in action.

Our next point may not be a revelation, but we highlight it because it is so important. The training and preparation of children has to begin on day one and continue consistently throughout their growth into adulthood. Babies may not respond directly when you speak to them, but they interpret your message of love through touch, through the tone of your voice and the language of your body. As they grow, they will also begin to receive messages about your love as a couple. Never underestimate children - regardless of age or their apparent state of comprehension, they are well equipped to receive and interpret. Positive communications will cause them to prosper, and being in an environment surrounded by loving messages leads them to a place of shelter and security. Keep building life in them as they grow, being constantly aware of their need to see in your relationship what covenant love looks like. Never assume they are too young to understand. And show them the same affection that they observe in you as a couple.

Khanya is currently looking after our youngest grandson for much of the day. He is 14 months old. Khanya only has to look at him and say ‘I love you’, and the response is immediate and overwhelming - a huge smile appears, and joy and laughter erupts from him. He receives, he understands and he responds.

As your children grow, they will come into contact with more people and start building relationships with other children, and with teachers. Their horizons broaden. You will not be able to protect them from some negative messages the world gives out, but you can ensure that from an early age you build a relationship with them that encourages them to share with you both. Always continue to build confidence in them with praise and confirmations that dismantle every discouragement. As they continue to grow, they will assume a strong personal confidence and insight from your relationship witness and your confirmations over them. If parents can achieve consistency, the rewards will be great.

As children get older, teach them tasks of service and get them to start practicing that service. Start to explain, in conversations your love for each other and for them. When children are old enough, let wisdom guide you to show them your actions of forgiveness to each other. Please don’t hide actions of forgiveness - they have to learn the lesson that mistakes are made but that forgiveness allows the outcome to be positive. And yes, you can (and should) say sorry to your children when you have forgotten to keep your promise or forgotten to recognise them.

As children progress toward adulthood, then your conversations can be more focused, and you can have discussions with them about the commitment involved in a covenant relationship so that they are able to approach relationship with foundations for success. Our hope of course is that you will have introduced them to Jesus and the greatest relationship of all. If your children need revelation and understanding on how to do relationship, then of course the King has been using you as a witness, but He is well able to guide them when they ask.

When you are trying to do this alone:

If you are a parent bringing up children alone, or you find yourself in a circumstance where one spouse is separated from the family for long periods, then the goal remains unchanged but the approach is different. Your children may not have the visual witness of adult relationship in the home, but you can still provide the full witness of successful relationship. When a couple provides a witness, the critical lesson communicated is that a long-lasting relationship is one that is not self-focused but sacrificial. So, as a single parent, use your own relationship with your children as living evidence of the kind of sacrificial love they will need in order to build a great relationship with a future husband or wife. There needs to be a very conscious focus on the service that goes with love, and as they grow older, they need to learn to reciprocate the love in a way that teaches the importance of giving. Teaching them to give in their loving relationship with you and their siblings, and learning to practice forgiveness are real keys in developing successful adult relationships.

Releasing your Children:

When children become adults, from a spiritual point of view they are still under your covering and still very much a part of your family unit even if they no longer live at home. An even clearer dividing line in your role becomes evident when your child is ready to enter into a covenant relationship. Now they are entering into a new identity and creating a new family unit. An important bridge has been crossed and you must release them to replicate success. It’s time for you to trust in God, and time for you to believe that the lessons you have witnessed to your children will bear fruit. It’s time for - heart on, hands off.

For some parents, resisting the urge to control, demand or suggest at every opportunity proves difficult. When grandchildren arrive, the desire ‘to express your experienced opinion’ and become a controlling influence rises up in many, much to the exasperation of your child and your son or daughter-in-law. However, if you are parents who used every opportunity to witness successful relationship, this should not be your experience. Don't allow personal ambition to ruin a lifetime of witness. You can release your son or daughter knowing that you are releasing them responsibly, and knowing that God is your greatest backup.

It’s time for a new role in the life of your children. It’s time to support them when they ask for it. It’s time to pray for their success and time to give thanks for the awesome job you have managed to accomplish in partnership with God. And what is the reward for you at the end of this journey? Well, grandchildren can be an awesome reward, but there is one reward that is even better - It is the time now free for you to enjoy your spouse and rejoice in each other for the rest of your lives.

Final thoughts:

For some, building a positive witness for our children can be challenging because we struggle to demonstrate success in our own relationship amidst the pressures around us. Sometimes, limitations are placed on us by cultural taboos and traditions, our own upbringing, or simply our circumstances. If you know Christ and have declared Him as saviour, then we encourage you be led by Him. Ask Him to show you the best way to fulfill your partnership with Him in raising your children and we believe He will instruct you. If He is your Lord, then His identity prevails in you, and He is able to equip you.

Stop imitating the ideals and opinions of the culture around you, but be inwardly transformed by the Holy Spirit through a total reformation of how you think. This will empower you to discern God’s will as you live a beautiful life, satisfying and perfect in his eyes.

Romans 12:2 (TPT)

Steve and Khanya.

If you have not accepted Christ as your Lord and Saviour, our prayer is that today would be the day.

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Join us for our next blog: Intimacy in Marriage.