Being Christian and Being Single

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I’m not giving you a divine command, but my godly advice. I would wish that all of you could live unmarried, just as I do. Yet I understand that we are all decidedly different, with each having a special grace for one thing or another.

1 Corinthians 7:6-7 (TPT)

Defining Singleness:

We recently approached one young man to personally invite him to attend a singles event organised for our local church and was surprised at his response. With a slightly confused look on his face he said he would if he was single, but already had a girlfriend. We realised how much the younger generations now define relationship based on social media labels. To us, single is defined as someone who is outside of a covenant marriage and that is the definition we will use in this blog. God’s Word remains constant and, in that context, you are either single or married - one or the other. Our status as ‘girlfriend’, ‘boyfriend’ or ‘engaged’ may indicate depth and commitment in our relationship, nonetheless, we remain single until that marriage covenant is finalised.

The Journey:

All of us begin a journey from a state of singleness. Are you single and satisfied to remain single, or are you single and seriously seeking marriage? For the majority it is the latter - we are looking for relationship with someone we can share a life with. There is little surprising in this; for most, the expectation is intimacy, family life and partnership. We want to be with someone we can love and in whom we can be loved. In our opening scripture, the apostle Paul states his desire that all could remain unmarried as he is, but he recognises that each of us is given the grace to do one or the other - remain single or be married. Paul speaks as one who truly understood his personal destiny and path. Each of us needs to know our path. For most, God fills us with a desire for an intimate relationship with a spouse, for others He fills them with a desire to be wholly intimate with Him alone.

Sometimes as Christians we assume that these two choices represent two different lifestyles and different goals, and that remaining single is the only true path to real intimacy and godly service. If you believe you should remain single because of the grace you have received to focus on Him, then all is good because you have more time to spend in God’s presence and more time to serve in your community and the tasks of the Kingdom. If you desire a spouse, then all is good because in marriage your sacrificial love for your spouse, building a family and teaching them to follow the King is also a true call to godly service. In marriage you become the reflection of Christ and His church and a witness to the world. So, two different lifestyles - yes, but each has the same goal.

Being Single and Satisfied:

Is your ambition to have a deeper relationship with Christ? To be able to focus on the things of Christ above all else so that you become deeply intimate with Him? Do you feel you want to dedicate and separate yourself to Him? Such a decision must be based on a calling, it cannot be based on an ambitious choice. It requires the measure of grace for its fulfillment that must be an anointing upon you. The ability to set yourself apart for a Christian life of singleness, speaks to a special kind of devotion and service. Who better to explain it than Jesus?

Not everyone is meant to remain single—only those whom God gives grace to be unmarried. For some are born to celibacy; others have been made eunuchs by others. And there are some who have chosen to live in celibacy for the sacred purpose of heaven’s kingdom realm. Let those who can, accept this truth for themselves.

Matthew 19:11-12 (TPT)

What grace indeed that can empower you to separate yourself from physical intimacy with another in a decision to remain single or remain widowed without remarrying. Be sure that you are called to this special service. Many have made the decision without the calling, and could not fulfill it. If you are called and you remain satisfied, then you are a powerful witness and partner of the King.

Being Single and Seriously Seeking:

In the modern world, many people remain single, yet do not experience this as a calling simply because the world has decided that marriage is not a requirement for physical intimacy. If you are a Christian single you will be aware of God’s view that reserves intimacy for covenant marriage - Jesus confirmed this in the verses we have just read from Matthew 19. The apostle Paul also speaks much about it in 1 Corinthians chapter 7. For Christians who desire marriage, the world’s view of sex and relationships presents a real challenge because the impact of it in many parts of the world has been to extend singleness. Most people now expect marriage to happen well into their 30’s or even 40’s. The issue for the younger Christian single is what to do with all that desire for physical intimacy - how do you manage your feelings and emotions over such a long period? This also affects those who have been desiring marriage and are yet to find their spouse. The years are moving on and the feelings you have still need to be managed! Hopes and dreams also need to remain alive amid disappointment. We would like to offer a few suggestions from our experiences and reflections on His Word, and in ministering to many who have talked about their struggles and joys in the process of finding a spouse. Our encouragement to you is that you can receive grace for purity whilst you are waiting for your spouse, if you submit all your hopes and dreams to Jesus.

The world is not enough:

You don’t have to follow the world! If you have found someone and are sure of it, then why should you say that you are not ready, not rich enough, not old enough. Why say that you want more time to experience worldly things before you get married - what are those things that you cannot experience in marriage? Yes, maturity is needed, wisdom is needed, but these qualities can be as present in your twenties as in later years, especially if you are praying for such gifts. We can become subject to the influences of the world and become convinced that a world view is the reality we are obliged to follow. Seek God’s wisdom. Don’t rush into a marriage without serious consideration and most certainly not out of despair, but if the right person stands before you, you have options. Careers can still be done in marriage, two salaries are better than one and you don’t have to start a family immediately - but if you do, or children come with you into the marriage then enjoy all the new opportunities they will bring. In short, don’t rely on culture or tradition to be your sole point of reference.

Preparation:

Most singles looking for relationship have a ‘wish list’. It may be filled with a combination of attributes and talents that are extremely rare. Nonetheless, it’s a good thing to have a list because it is evidence of preparation, of hope and desire. We form these lists from our own ambition. If we bring our list before God, is it possible to have every one of our requirements in a spouse met - absolutely! However, we may also receive a reality check and something changes. In our prayerful preparation and throughout our day, will we allow the Holy Spirit the freedom to modify our list? Often, people struggle to find someone because after looking and observing for a few moments we decide it’s an 8/10 and we dismiss the opportunity. A few minutes later 8/10 appears again right in front of us but we quickly side-step in our pursuit of 10/10.

Dating:

Single people who desire marriage will look for dates. In doing this we go through this sometimes exciting, sometimes anxious process in a variety of possible ways. In the modern world, we have technology to introduce us to, and arrange ways of meeting our 10/10 ambition through various types of dating sites and events. The modern world may have devised a greater variety of opportunities for finding that potential date, but the pressures of first dates remain as much as they did in generations past when you simply had to pluck up enough courage to speak to a stranger and try to impress. What is clear, is that the search for a date is often an activity resulting in disappointment. Sometimes we are setting ourselves up in our ambitious attempts, and when things don’t turn out well our hopes are dashed and we begin to despair of ever finding the right person. If this has been your experience, consider a different approach. Perhaps do less of the stressful searching, and more of simply taking up opportunities to socialise and to talk to people without expectation. Perhaps it is time for you to remove the anxiety around how long it is taking to find love, and look to build social confidence. Expand your friendships talking face to face with people in everyday environments without the pressure of ‘an event’, and enjoy social interaction without performance demands. Look beyond your familiar environment, there are plenty of like-minded people beyond your usual fellowship or social circle. And then listen to that small still voice.

We are going to stop at this point, but we are aware of the many situations and circumstances we are not able to share in a single blog. We hope to be able to address more in the future.

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Steve and Khanya