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I know my lover is mine and I have everything in you, for we delight ourselves in each other.

Song of Songs 2:16 (TPT)

Through every stage of our marriage journey we work toward a greater unity that will bless us as we travel through life together. We need to finish well, and so in every phase of our life together we should look to improve our relationship and become battle hardy against every obstacle that comes to misdirect or divide us. Our desire is to fulfill the vow we made to each other at the start - to remain together until death parts us or Christ returns. We realise the challenge in this. We know that the ability to stand and continue to grow together over the decades will always face testing. These tests strengthen our resolve if both of us are willing to face them together. At times, situations cause us to disagree on actions to take or the right decisions to make. We may differ in our emotions and our responses to life around us, and sometimes we feel overwhelmed, but we can agree to tackle life as partners not as opponents, as lovers not as enemies. We can agree to disagree and we can submit to each other and forgive for love’s sake. We can imitate Christ!

It’s not how you start - it’s about how you finish. Will your marriage reach the fulfilment of your promise, or will it end prematurely? Surely, we have made this vow to remain together out of pure faith that with God all things are possible. If we follow God’s plan, He is trustworthy to equip us to pass over every bump along the way. Whatever you feel in this moment about what appears to be a long-distance hike up and down the mountains of life - look at it with a positive heart. Marriage is more likely to fail in a long journey over flat ground, and for those determined to fulfill their vows, life’s bumps serve a purpose - they keep us alive and inspired to overcome and draw closer to each other.

in attempting to follow God’s plan and being determined to grow together, little foxes will come so be aware and ready to deal with them:

You must catch the troubling foxes,
those sly little foxes that hinder our relationship.
For they raid our budding vineyard of love
to ruin what I’ve planted within you.
Will you catch them and remove them for me?
We will do it together.

Song of Songs 2:15 (TPT)

We have previously talked a lot about the big and more obvious challenges to a growing marriage such as habits and addictions, self-ambition and interests, unforgiveness, and negative attitudes to in-laws. We have talked only briefly about other issues that slowly gnaw away at our bonds of love. Today, our focus is more on those little foxes that are insidious. They present themselves not in a battle formation, but approach more like terrorists engaged in guerrilla warfare. These ‘little foxes’ latch onto us trying to ignite negative feelings and responses, gnawing at our affections and blocking our growth. Yet, with insight, we can overcome and strengthen our relationship, and God’s promise is that he will help us when we ask.

We cannot cover everything in this blog, but today, we want to say a few words about five little foxes that can stop us from finishing well together.

Familiarity:

Don’t wear out your welcome
by staying too long at the home of your friends,
or they may get fed up with always having you there
and wish you hadn’t come.

Proverbs 25:17 (TPT)

Perhaps you have heard the saying: “familiarity breeds contempt”. The Bible explains it well enough in verses like the one above. It suggests that when we know people closely, over time their affection and respect for us changes, and the value they once placed on us is lessened. A spouse is far more than just a friend, yet still over time, for many couples, familiarity decreases the power of love in their lives and with it the vitality and excitement that once was. No excuses, no justifications allowed - being comfortable and familiar in each other should never put us into cruise mode. This is one of the most destructive little foxes around. Be aware of the danger. It doesn’t really matter how mature your relationship in years - push the boundaries, get excited and look to do new things together. Recognise the signs and take action. Are the pressures of life wearing you out? Is work too much? Take a day off, get out and start expanding the relationship together.

Careers:

It’s a blessing to have a career that engages you in work that you enjoy, and it pleases God that you work. However, if you get more excited about the prospect of going to work than coming home to spend time with your spouse then something is missing. If you are satisfied to spend less time with your spouse and more time with your hobby, or the girls at the spa then… something needs to be re-ignited!

Children:

We all love our children with unquenchable intensity, but has the passion of love for them somehow relegated your spouse to a secondary position. Does your spouse feel ignored or have both of you adopted a new vision? Has the new role of parent replaced the role of lover? Children require love and much of our time and attention - it’s right that we do all that we can for them. Nonetheless, work together in your parent role to support each other and share the load so that you still have room for each other. Romance is not just about time alone, red roses and sweet nothings - it’s about continuing to build our emotional connection and affection. The way you support each other in parenthood and the sacrifices you make in that support can actually build a deeper affection and keep the lover alive.

Personal Change:

When our relationship is challenging, we can become masters of self-justification. One of the most common reasons given for breakdown is “You’ve changed”, or “We’ve drifted apart”. Well tell me who hasn’t changed! It’s simply impossible for any of us to refuse the passage of time. We all change physically and emotionally. Our plans and visions can also change with maturity, circumstances or different insights. These are excuses for the fact that we have not remained effective in sharing and reforming our vision together. In this, even the spouse on the receiving end of the excuse has played their part. Never become lazy and so comfortable in your lack of communication that such a scenario arises. Each day, fall in love again with the person you are vowed to. Keep sharing, keep communicating and keep resolving.

Spiritual Differences:

Ideally, couples will worship together and grow together in their spiritual walk. Often this is not the case, and as a result broad differences can emerge in the depth of spiritual growth. This can lead to resentment of a spouse’s closer relationship with God. We need to be sensitive to see how our spouse is affected by our walk with Christ. If the effect is negative act quickly to restore peace and harmony. You may be thinking that this is a rather strange scenario within Christian marriage that one spouse may have any sense of resentment for the others’ walk with Christ. Yet it happens, and the enemy looks for any opportunity to divide you. The solution is a very simple one; base your walk through life, and your growing love relationship on the foundation of your joint action to pray and worship. Work to build each other in faith and submit to each other, remembering that you are in a Love Triangle made up of yourselves and God working together as a strong unit.

Conclusion:

When we make our covenant vows, we may give little thought to the maintenance of our promises over the distance of a lifetime. Our encouragement is to remind you of a simple truth: If the vows were impossible to achieve, we would never be inspired to make them. We can do much better than simply remaining together, we can go much further. With a purpose and a commitment to each other we can not only finish life’s race together, we can finish well. We want to be more than people who tolerate each other in familiarity; we need to be vibrant, still learning, still expanding. So, do not wait until the years have passed and then try to repair the cracks. Work together from the start to make a lifelong relationship your expected goal, and evict any little foxes before they can do damage.

Thank you for joining us today. Our next blog will be advertised soon in the news section and on the main blog page.

Steve and Khanya

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