Nothing is more appealing
    than speaking beautiful, life-giving words.
    For they release sweetness to our souls
    and inner healing to our spirits.

Proverbs 16:24 (TPT)

Today we look at positive communication within the marital relationship. If you have not read the previous blog - Creative Words we suggest you read through that article as a prelude to this one.

Different types of relationship require different types of communication. The marital relationship is very intimate, but is often at risk from a lack of positive communication. How can two people in so heart throbbing a love, being physically intimate and emotionally bonded become victims of communication lack?

The Nature of Communication:

Some clarification is needed. We do receive messages from our spouse all the time - communication is constant since it is not only about our speech, but everything else we do or fail to do. Here’s our example of direct communication methods from the specialists out there. We are not presenting this as fact, since you will find many variations on this model:

Whatever the truth in terms of percentages, or the accuracy of the communication framework, the diagram highlights a simple truth - communication is multifaceted. It’s not that we lack communication because it constantly flows - what couples often lack is quality. We need life-giving and affirming communication at a level and volume expected from two people who spend most of their time together. Sometimes, when people begin to take their spouse for granted, the intense levels of affirmation given during the early stages of marriage ebb away - the flow of loving words slows and body language becomes increasingly neutral. Periods of silence increase and physical touch decreases. The relationship is being starved of its lifeblood. This does not mean that love has died - it is more often a simple failure to appreciate the importance of maintaining positive communication. The danger is present nonetheless. If the starvation continues, the bond will weaken. Our first call out to you is to resist any tendency to make assumptions about your spouse. Just because you have shown love in the past does not justify your lack of affirmation today. That you whisper ‘sweet nothings’ and bring gifts on special occasions is good, but more is needed! This relationship needs to grow and develop into something that reflects the character of your Creator - it takes some serious development of your communication skills to build a depth of connection that creates oneness. It requires effort and wisdom, but the rewards for persistence are immense.

What is Positive Communication?

Our interpretation of positive communication is truth that is communicated in a way that is loving and affirms the value of the receiver. It speaks life to build character and strengthens the bond between you. It is not simply ‘nice words’. Although we use the term ‘Loving words’, there is no intention to imply something cute. ‘Loving words’ describes a method of communication that is positive - not a term to describe words about love. Couples often need to have challenging conversations in order to resolve issues that threaten their progress. Positive communication is about how words are said or how body language speaks. It is about preparation, environment and choosing the moment. Most of all it is about kicking self-interest to the gutter and doing everything you can to express sacrificial love in your communication in order to protect both of you from any wound. When you succeed, you build each other toward the next level of relationship.

Some Qualities and Actions of Positive Communication in Marriage:

Lose all Selfishness:

The key to success. If you are communicating with your spouse having died to selfish ambition and self promotion then you will naturally communicate in a loving way since you have already promoted your spouse to first place in your heart. Losing self will make all the other qualities and actions mentioned below much easier and more natural. If you are still young in your relationship look at the previous lessons on the marriage journey - hold fast and keep working on this.

Be a great listener:

Stop being the person who is simply waiting for your spouse to stop talking so you can say what you think is important. Listen, and show how much you are listening by your eye contact and body language. Respond with the evidence of your listening. Being an active listener will help you become a trustworthy communicator.

Become a good observer:

Make a conscious effort to observe and notice changes and differences in your spouse. We are not necessarily talking about deep or complicated things. Everyday observation of the small things is important because even if it seems a small thing to you, it’s a significant thing to your spouse. I (Steve) have learnt this lesson over the years. New clothes, shoes, hairstyle - look and respond! My wife did not change her appearance just to satisfy herself, she did it to please me. If I don’t observe and respond what does that say?

Be encouraging:

Take every opportunity to praise your spouse and congratulate him or her for their successes in work, in activities and the challenges they take on. Thank your spouse for all their support of you and your children. Whist it seems obvious to do these things - many take their spouse for granted. We all need direct affirmation - often!

Stick to the truth and bin the fake:

You are in a covenant relationship so don’t have the mindset of someone hoping to impress their date with exaggeration. Speak the simple truth but always in love (Ephesians 4:15). Speak with genuine humility and without judgement. Remember who you are in Christ and who your spouse is - a son or daughter of the King - a co-heir of the Kingdom. Even when the truth is hard, if your words are ‘drenched with grace’ (Colossians 4:6 TPT), they will still build up and not tear down.

Avoid the word YOU at the start of a sentence:

If you have something to share with your spouse that needs discussion or resolution avoid starting your sentence with the word YOU. It tends to be a natural thing to say but in the context of raising an issue for resolution it becomes the basis of a judgement. It would be better to begin your sentence with something like - This is how I feel when….

Recognise that your spouse is not the problem:

Imagine this scenario: Your spouse suddenly begins to gain weight dramatically. It transpires that the cause is a new and unlikely addiction to certain pies and pastries eaten at and from work. The problem is not your spouse - the problem is the addiction. When you need to discuss this situation and resolve the concerns around it, the best way is to work as a team. With due consideration to the points that have already been mentioned, talk this out. To help avoid judgemental communication, we find that separating the ‘problem’ from the person is the best way to come into agreement. We want to avoid the ‘YOU’ scenario, the finger pointing, the frown and the tensed raised voice. Both verbal and non-verbal communication needs to be relaxed. We recommended sitting side by side on the same sofa. If it helps, use an object to represent the problem as a visualisation of separation from the person. Then sitting side by side deal with the issue that is now in front of you. The issue is not His or Hers, it is ours to resolve and we address it together. As your skill in developing truthful but loving communication improves, these ‘problems’ stand no chance of dividing you. Separating the issue from the person ensures that there is no blame and no wall rises up between you. Our recommendation as always is that your greatest ally in every communication scenario is God. He can equip you and strengthen you to resolve, heal and fully restore.

It doesn’t really matter who you are or your background. Challenges in relationships will always be there. This is life! Things happen and no-one has automatic immunity from them. The Bible refers to these marital ‘issues’ as “little foxes”. Khanya and I have had our “little foxes” too, but there is good news - with God and with His wisdom you can overcome the challenges and thrive in your relationship. Often the overcoming becomes a gift that builds you and strengthens the bond between you.

You must catch the troubling foxes,
    those sly little foxes that hinder our relationship.
    For they raid our budding vineyard of love
    to ruin what I’ve planted within you.
    Will you catch them and remove them for me?
    We will do it together.

Song of Songs 2:15 (TPT)

Be sensitive:

You may decide to reject a concern your spouse raises based on your own opinion that it is not serious and can be dismissed. At times, your spouse needs your support and encouragement in the midst of the demands of life or personal concerns. Be careful! Negative words, or dismissing these needs will work against you and erode your relationship. You are on a journey to oneness - be quick to respond and encourage because whatever is a concern for your spouse is a concern for you.

Have fun:

Most of the time you should be having fun. Sharing and dreaming, planning and deciding. Let us not think that communication should always have a focus on issues and resolutions. We need to mention these because they are areas of communication that people tend to struggle with, but make sure that most of your communication is simply about enjoying each other whether you are talking, holding hands or making love - ensure that this is the foundation of your communication. As you grow in sharing, dreaming and enjoying time together, you will find it easier to handle all types of communication.

Use the right opportunity in the right environment:

Effective communication requires the wisdom to choose the right time and the right place. We don’t want to generalise here because every individual is different. Learn about your spouse so that when you need to communicate something choose the right moment! Wanting to start a conversation about planning the dream holiday when your spouse has just returned home from night duty or when your spouse is in the middle of watching their favourite TV show is unlikely to be productive. You may say to yourself - ‘if my spouse loved me he/she would stop and pay close attention’. Well your spouse does love you, and is willing to pay close attention, but perhaps you have just made a poor choice in choosing the best moment. Choose a better one!

Conclusion:

As a final comment on this most important topic we would like to emphasis that communication is always about balance. Great communication is the potential in every relationship where each spouse puts self aside and is keen to bring out the best in their partner. Sometimes one spouse will need to learn to talk more, sometimes a spouse needs to learn to talk less. We are all learning, all of the time. When you are unsure about the words to use or how to communicate positively, the Holy Spirit can help you. The key is a steady flow of truthful, life-building communication in its various forms - verbal and non-verbal. Remember that sometimes touch, or a smile or an act of service communicates as much as speech and sometimes much more.

We hope you have enjoyed this blog. We have decided to keep the paragraph order as the ideas presented to us in our thoughts and in our initial draft. We hope it makes sense to you.

Join us in the next blog - Overcoming Communication Barriers

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Steve and Khanya