But don’t let the passion of your emotions lead you to sin! Don’t let anger control you or be fuel for revenge, not for even a day.

Ephesians 4:26 (TPT)

Introduction:

Today we look at communication barriers couples may experience and how to overcome them. Please read the blog article ‘Communication for Life’ as a prelude to this one. As the title suggests, Communication for Life is an article with a focus on promoting positive communication. It talks about actions to take to avoid communication pitfalls. Today’s article will mention some communication challenges and some of the possible consequences of finding ourselves trapped in communication breakdown. Nonetheless, this is an article about overcoming and victory. Since we are not using anyone else’s story, you can be sure we are writing about our own lives to a degree in many of the points we make. It is important for us to do so since we want to be authentic. We are writing to you today having recently celebrated our 33rd wedding anniversary. We are still together and stronger for overcoming. Joy is the reward for your efforts. We may not be able to address all of your personal circumstances in this article but we hope to encourage you and provide a testimony of God’s Grace - His desire is to help you be an overcomer.

Some of you reading this may never have experienced communication challenges in your relationship - you are blessed! You are also in a very small minority. Some of you may have experienced very difficult circumstances - we hope that the points we make will help you. The Word is true that says ‘Joy comes in the morning’ (Psalm 30:5).

The Prison you Build for Yourself:

We want to focus this teaching around a communication barrier that we know from experience affects many couples and is extremely damaging to the growth and harmony of the marital relationship. This barrier is anger. Maybe that surprises you! Like most negative communication it is caused primarily by self-interest and pride rising up within the individual. I don’t know how many times we have mentioned the importance of diminishing self-interest in our teachings - here it is again, the main culprit challenging the development of a couples’ love journey. Self has to be mastered, it will try to rise up in the heat of the moment but you must continue to master it and deny it permission to take control of your actions. How very much we want to urge you to look through the previous blog articles and consider those things that will help you avoid damaging confrontations.

Anger can produce a number of possible responses from a person feeling offended - we will mention two. The first is an angry outburst of emotion - shouting and striking back with words of vengeance. The second is silent anger. The person takes what they perceive as an offense and the reaction is internalised. As anger builds inside this often results in an abundance of self-pity. Both of these responses have potentially destructive consequences.

Angry outbursts:

Words have great power. The problem with angry outbursts in reaction to a perceived criticism is that as pride rises to strike back, words flow before the heart is engaged. Those words have destructive power. It may only be moments before you come to your senses and regret what you have said, but an afterthought like “Oh I’m sorry, I didn’t mean that” is not going to be enough - your spouse is standing before you cut and bleeding from your hurtful words. Their soul is already carrying a wound that will take time to heal. This kind of negative communication will simply build a barrier between you as it destroys trust, confidence and the loving bonds you have worked so hard to build.

Your words are so powerful that they will kill or give life, and the talkative person will reap the consequences.

Proverbs 18:21 (TPT)

If you recognise this tendency in yourself to ‘over-react’, then you need to take personal responsibility and effect change, not only in your communication with your spouse but everyone. No excuses! Take some action:

• Talk about it with your spouse

• When you sense anger rising, train yourself to consciously recognise the danger

• Take a few deep breaths until the moment passes (and keep your mouth closed)

• God is willing to transform you - if you desire it and seek it. Ask.

However you do it, the more you practice self control the easier things are - take heart!

The Silent Killer:

Silent anger is truly deadly. As you bury offense within you, a root of bitterness can take control. Because the anger is not overt, your spouse is not able to help and the situation develops into a communication block. In many cases, the so called offense was not even intentional and was caused inadvertently. Your spouse is confused and hurt by your sudden withdrawal, not understanding. You are not talking - internalising. The result is pain for everyone. One of the terrible consequences of internalisation is the endless replays of the perceived offense over and over. This has the effect of magnifying the hurt and increasing the development of resentment. This is a deadly poison that not only blocks your communication but can affect your physical, mental and spiritual health.

Here are practical actions that can be taken by either spouse to cut short the development of this harmful barrier.

• Be sacrificial. If you sense a change in your spouse’s reactions to you, or you sense the growing wall rising up between you do not allow this to continue - respond immediately to reinstate the lines of positive communication. You might begin this conversation with an apology for anything you have said or done that has upset your spouse. You may not know exactly how you have caused offense but you can still humble yourself in this way because this is not about what He or She has done - its about ‘US’. Clearly something has happened and both of you are in this story together - so in your humility and compassion toward your spouse you can stop silent anger in its tracks.

• For the person internalising anger learn to recognise danger as soon as anger begins to manifest and consciously refuse to accept any offense. If you recognise the danger early you can defeat the anger before it takes hold. Talk and pray with your spouse if you recognise yourself as someone who takes offense and internalises it. We cannot begin to stress how dangerous this is. If you talk to your spouse about this tendency, you spouse will be able to help by not only praying with you but by being alert to any possible warning signs.

The Power of Forgiveness:

Everyone who knows Jesus is someone aware of the power of forgiveness. When barriers arise in our relationship it is forgiveness that shatters the walls of the prison we walked into. Forgiveness releases both of us and begins the healing process. Some of you will know the joy of that release. Forgiving each other is easier than you think if you can apply the following:

• Forgiveness is not something you wait to receive it is something you rush to give.

• Forgiveness is not an option, it is a necessity. (Ephesians 4:32)

• Forgiveness is not a feeling it is a choice. You can forgive and release yourself and your spouse without waiting for the ‘feeling’. Your healing will start from your choice to forgive.

• Evidence your declaration of forgiveness by your actions of love and never resurrect the issue in the future.

Fear:

The final area we would like to address today is the issue of fear. Sometimes we are afraid of communicating with our spouse on issues that affect us as individuals and as a couple. Fear can result in a lack of communication or miscommunication. There may be many possible causes of fear - we will mention two:

Fear of possible rejection:

This fear is one that affects us when we want to share an issue but are concerned about the possible response. It is a fear of hurting your spouse and receiving rejection from the person you love.

The solution to fear of rejection lies in the growing confidence couples have as their love develops into that which is more sustainable because it increasingly imitates Christ. Fear will begin to loose its hold and give couples more freedom in their communication because confidence of acceptance grows stronger. Couples need to take every opportunity to encourage each other and demonstrate their determination to grow and strengthen the bonds between them (see the blog article A Deeper Love).

Fear of appearing weak or incapable:

Some people are afraid to admit something that indicates a weakness or lack of ability.

Eliminating fears of weakness and negative image is dependent upon success in diminishing self-interest as well as confidence in the utter acceptance each person has for their spouse and in the priority they owe each other as covenant partners. (see the blog article An Opportunity for Self Destruction and others on the marriage journey)

Overcoming fear is something couples should talk and pray about. It affects most of us at some point in our marriage journey.

Listen to my testimony: I cried to God in my distress
    and he answered me. He freed me from all my fears!

Psalm 34:4 (TPT)

Conclusion:

As we said in the previous article and are happy to repeat now - most of your communication should be fun and all of it filled with life affirming words that build your unity with each other and with God. Keep praying, keep talking and build that hedge of protection around your relationship.

For those of you reading this just before Christmas, have a wonderful and joyous celebration.

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Steve and Khanya

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Our next blog will be posted by the start of 2019